Degenerative Conics
by The Man in the Yellow Hat
by The Man in the Yellow Hat
Have you ever mistaken a degenerative conic for an inverse curve? I have. This blunder brought shame (apathy) intensified by the astute (insanely neurotic) RegulatBob and his insistence on correct terminology. This little allegory brings me to my first point: degenerative conics suck. The second lesson I learned from this experiences is that misnomers hurt. Bob queried, “How would you like it if I called you by an incorrect name?” At this point I realized either A) I felt horrible for my misconstrued misconception regarding degenerative conics or B) Bob was a complete and total moron that should be punished with rabies and premature hair loss. As Bob has not bitten more than two people in the past week (they deserved it), and since he continues to have a lustrously full head of hair, let’s assume that the answer is A.
Due to this encounter, I’ve come to realize that I should learn a new life lesson each day. Then I could make a book with catchy sayings and worthless metaphors. That’s the ultimate goal* here (book deal ~> lots of money ~> infinite women). As I’ve traveled through this crazy rollercoaster called life, I’ve learned many things. With my book notion, I have given these beautiful spirits of emotion and purity misleading labels and marketed them for personal wealth. This might explain their lack of substance. But most people won’t know the difference anyway. I’ll just claim to be a misunderstood genius. Some of the lessons I’ve learned recently are: don’t prejudge assistants, I still don’t know what nougat is, Mario is my hero, girly watches are not cool, without order there is no order, not everyone is a fascist, whips hurt more than one would think, bologna is on the ground (and it’s hard to spell), and if you pick it, it will bleed. As inspirational as these may be, I have chosen to devote the rest of my article to delve deep into an in depth discussion of the lesson of the day for today (and if I think about it, I am reminded of this lesson every day). The lesson is: Stupidity is not a virtue. Think about that, and have a nice day Broncos. To better your comprehension of this assessment, I will provide a reenactment of the situation which brought about this notion. I went to APUSH. The end. Now that the predicament of comprehension has been eliminated, let’s move on.
As simple and logical as the lesson may sound, a surprisingly large percent of people (99.99999%; pretty much the world population minus me) find it difficult to remember it. Stupidity runs rampant in our cities; in red blooded, apple pie, cow-tipping America. You may be thinking, “No! Maybe in those damn communist countries like Japan or even in Brazil where the people don’t realize they should be speaking Spanish but not in America!” The sad truth of it is yes, stupidity gained a strong foothold in this country (the first recorded sighting occurred in 1492) along with hypocrisy and selfishness. Even the children whom everything is for are in constant danger of this horrible epidemic. One could argue that stupidity is the greatest force in all the universe (one could also argue that beard fetishes are unnatural but that’s irrelevant as the former is more likely). Stupidity is most prominent (and most likely bred) in the average high school. Instances of this can be seen in the following: school spirit, the contributions of the DJ club, annoying skits during announcements, announcements, calling what Interact Club does community service, the lack of breathing air in the locker room, the outrageous $1 price of a lousy spirit ribbon, the fact that I didn’t receive my obligatory sticker with the lousy overpriced spirit ribbon, the permanent layer of an unknown liquid substance on the floor of the boy’s bathroom, and the mere existence of a Russian club. How can we solve this unchecked abundance of stupidity? Regulators!!!**
* You can help jump-start my career in a multitude of ways. If you want to feel like a contributor without actual physical activity, send me a blank check or your credit card number. Another option is to contribute stupidity (or enlightenment but stupidity is more likely) to my environment which I can draw off of to make witty metaphors such as ducks get mad if you eat their kin.
**If that’s not clear then it’s because you’re a moron. Also, this article is already much too long. I can’t recall whether or not I had a point, and I’m sure if I did it wasn’t that interesting anyway. Thus, abrupt closure seemed most appropriate.
Due to this encounter, I’ve come to realize that I should learn a new life lesson each day. Then I could make a book with catchy sayings and worthless metaphors. That’s the ultimate goal* here (book deal ~> lots of money ~> infinite women). As I’ve traveled through this crazy rollercoaster called life, I’ve learned many things. With my book notion, I have given these beautiful spirits of emotion and purity misleading labels and marketed them for personal wealth. This might explain their lack of substance. But most people won’t know the difference anyway. I’ll just claim to be a misunderstood genius. Some of the lessons I’ve learned recently are: don’t prejudge assistants, I still don’t know what nougat is, Mario is my hero, girly watches are not cool, without order there is no order, not everyone is a fascist, whips hurt more than one would think, bologna is on the ground (and it’s hard to spell), and if you pick it, it will bleed. As inspirational as these may be, I have chosen to devote the rest of my article to delve deep into an in depth discussion of the lesson of the day for today (and if I think about it, I am reminded of this lesson every day). The lesson is: Stupidity is not a virtue. Think about that, and have a nice day Broncos. To better your comprehension of this assessment, I will provide a reenactment of the situation which brought about this notion. I went to APUSH. The end. Now that the predicament of comprehension has been eliminated, let’s move on.
As simple and logical as the lesson may sound, a surprisingly large percent of people (99.99999%; pretty much the world population minus me) find it difficult to remember it. Stupidity runs rampant in our cities; in red blooded, apple pie, cow-tipping America. You may be thinking, “No! Maybe in those damn communist countries like Japan or even in Brazil where the people don’t realize they should be speaking Spanish but not in America!” The sad truth of it is yes, stupidity gained a strong foothold in this country (the first recorded sighting occurred in 1492) along with hypocrisy and selfishness. Even the children whom everything is for are in constant danger of this horrible epidemic. One could argue that stupidity is the greatest force in all the universe (one could also argue that beard fetishes are unnatural but that’s irrelevant as the former is more likely). Stupidity is most prominent (and most likely bred) in the average high school. Instances of this can be seen in the following: school spirit, the contributions of the DJ club, annoying skits during announcements, announcements, calling what Interact Club does community service, the lack of breathing air in the locker room, the outrageous $1 price of a lousy spirit ribbon, the fact that I didn’t receive my obligatory sticker with the lousy overpriced spirit ribbon, the permanent layer of an unknown liquid substance on the floor of the boy’s bathroom, and the mere existence of a Russian club. How can we solve this unchecked abundance of stupidity? Regulators!!!**
* You can help jump-start my career in a multitude of ways. If you want to feel like a contributor without actual physical activity, send me a blank check or your credit card number. Another option is to contribute stupidity (or enlightenment but stupidity is more likely) to my environment which I can draw off of to make witty metaphors such as ducks get mad if you eat their kin.
**If that’s not clear then it’s because you’re a moron. Also, this article is already much too long. I can’t recall whether or not I had a point, and I’m sure if I did it wasn’t that interesting anyway. Thus, abrupt closure seemed most appropriate.