Many of you in the U.S. have been following the fate of the little Cuban boy Elian, who came to the United States via a dolphin-powered inner tube. Some people believe Elian is some sort of Holy Child because the dolphins helped him, and because he's small, leading people to assume he is a child. I was a believer in the Holy Child theory until the INS swarmed Elian's relatives' home and took him against his will. "Where were the dolphins then?" I ask.

Maybe they were lazy dolphins. Whatever their excuse, I'm disappointed that we didn't get to see the INS and the dolphins fight it out, hand-to-flipper. That would have been good TV. Dolphins have a great defensive move where they suddenly turn around so your fist gets stuck in the blowhole. Then they beat you senseless with their powerful tails. I think we'd all like to see that.

On the plus side, by my reckoning, Elian's dilemma has saved the lives of at least two celebrities, maybe more. As you know, during slow news periods the major networks kill celebrities and make it look accidental. Personally, I won't board an airplane unless the newspaper is packed with good stories.

I prefer the media's latest news-creating technique, wherein they blame NASA for launching rockets into space and losing them. In reality, NASA hasn't done much of anything since 1969, when they sent three guys in helium-filled space suits to New Mexico with a black and white camcorder. I still remember where I was when I saw it on TV. I was on Earth.