People say we should just legalize drugs and deal with it. Let me clue you in. The only reason drugs aren't legal is because white guys didn't think of making cocaine first. If drugs were made in America by white guys, they would have been legal twenty years ago - when we could have enjoyed them. Should we legalize drugs? I don't know. Imagine America a year after drugs are cool. There'd be drug sales everywhere. You could buy them at Macy's, or Price Club, or Pathmark - just like alcohol, tobacco, and gum. the Macy's TV ad would be, "This week Macy's got crack! You think JC Penney's got crack? We got crack! And with every $35 purchase of Estee Lauder products, a dime bag of crack in its own designer vial, suitable for reuse again and again." But then we'd also have guys like Jesse Jackson mad because black people aren't buying crack in the black community. "Buy your crack from a black crack dealer, keep it in the 'hood."

Another reason we should legalize drugs is so that my functional-drug-addict friends' mothers could have something to brag about. "You know Ronald has his own crack house now. I drive by it every day. Ronald even got his own crackheads, and sometimes they come by and clean up my house. Sometimes they clean out my house, but my son buys me new stuff, so it doesn't matter."

Instead, we're having a war on drugs. Just what is a war on drugs? Sounds like a bunch of soldiers in a field shooting at five-pound bags of weed. A war on drugs makes as much sense as a war on cucumbers. No cucumber is going to hurt you unless you eat it, and even then the worst it might do is give you a little gas. The problem is not the drugs. It's the behavior that goes with the drugs. And the violence. A lot of people are hurt or killed while drug dealers are fighting over territory and money. If you take that away, then most of the damage drugs do is to the individuals who choose to use. Do we need a whole war on drugs to protect assholes? We should know better. Everything that happened with crack happened before with alcohol. You had gang wars. You had bootleggers making windfall profits. There were even drive by shootings. The drive-by is not a new concept, you know. The cowboys had ride-bys. They'd ride-by and shoot up a whole town. Maybe it was a gallop-by. In the Cro-Magnon days they had walk-bys. You steal the magic berries a caveman chewed to get high, and he'd walk-by and club your ass.

Even though we're at war against drugs. I'm not sure we really want to win. Some of our most moral leaders don't want to get rid of drugs because, in their own sick way, they think drugs are good for the economy. They're right. Drugs help get more people in jail. Then corrections officers can sell inmates drugs to help pass the time. I know, I know. It's corrupt. But sometimes you just need two jobs to make ends meet. Our authority figures love drugs. Somewhere, there's a corrections officer sitting down to dinner, saying, "Thank God for this food, the love we share, and the cocaine traffic into south Florida."