There are two types of people in the world: the bright and attractive people like yourself who visit cool webpages like mine, and the 6 billion idiots who get in our way. Since we’re outnumbered, it’s a good idea not to refer to them as idiots to their faces. If you’re not surrounded by idiots, you will be soon. New ones are being born every minute, despite the complexity involved in breeding. Frankly, I think much of the procreation of idiots happens purely by accident when two of them are trying to do something complicated - like jump-start a car - and they suddenly get confused. Whatever causes the breeding - and I truly don’t want to know the details - it’s safe to assume there will be more of it.

The way I see it, you have three good strategies for thriving in a future full of idiots: 1. Wear loose clothing and pretend your car battery is dead. 2. Keep idiots in your car so you can use the car-pool lane. 3. Harness the stupidity of idiots for your own financial gain. Option one is dangerous. I recommend staying away from anything that involves idiots, electricity, and sex. It’s just common sense. Option two requires you to be in your car with idiots for long periods of time. There is a real risk that they will attempt to make conversation. That would negate any benefits you get from avoiding traffic. And if you accidentally leave them in the car and forget to crack the window open, they’ll die. You’ll need more than one of those tree air fresheners to solve that problem. I recommend option three: Harness the stupidity of idiots for your own financial gain. In order to do that, you’ll need to be able to anticipate their moves well in advance. This can be difficult, because the average idiot does not anticipate his own moves in advance. If you asked the average idiot about his plans, he’d say he has no plans. But if you yanked the eight-track tape player out of the idiot’s Pinto and then repeatedly hit that average idiot with it, you could make him confess that he has some plans, even if they are not very exciting. The average idiot’s plans are: become shorter and more crotchety over time, lose all appreciation of popular music, cultivate ear hair, and get a new eight-track player.

Clearly, with a world full of people who have goals like that, most of the things that happen in the future will not be a result of good planning. That makes the future hard to predict. A general rule for the future is that it never follows trends. Something always unexpected always happens to wreck any good trend. Here are some examples: Good: Computers allow us to work 100% faster. Bad: Computers generate 300% more work. Good: Women get more political power. Bad: Women are as dumb as men. Good: Popular music continues to get better. Bad: I get old.

Also, the future doesn’t follow trends since whenever humans notice a bad trend, they try to change it. The prediction of doom causes people to do things differently and avoid the doom. Here are some examples of doom that people predicted and how the indomitable human spirit rose to the challenge and thwarted the prediction: Problem: Population will grow faster than the food supply. Solution: Scientists realize you can call just about anything a “meat patty”. Problem: Petroleum reserves will be depleted in twenty years. Solution: Scientists discover oil in their own hair. Problem: Communism will spread to the rest of the world. Solution: All Communists become ballerinas and defect.

While trends don’t determine the future, there are things that will never change, no matter what else does. People can’t change their basic nature, they just accumulate more stuff upon which they can apply their stupidity, selfishness, and horniness. So, whenever trying to determine the future, these three factors cannot be overlooked.