Remember the reason for the season. As many of us learned from the Jesus video, the birth of Christ became the all encompassing, commercialized holiday of winter. During this time, we find ourselves eager for undeserved gifts, lied to by adults, and grateful only for mistletoe (mistletoe is deadly when you eat it; thank you Batman Returns). I find it curious that the reason for the season has been replaced by a fat, jolly man who steals your cookies and leaves reindeer dung in your socks. Our “Lord and Savior” is not a good enough icon for the season He created. Irony is high.


Anyways, Santa’s corporate takeover was not happy and jolly like the red man supposedly is. The Santa Claus you think you know is a ruthless opportunistic glutton….despite the fact that he gives away free stuff. This criminal has many aliases: Kris Kringle, St. Nick, the Man in the Yellow Hat (beware George! Beware!), and Monica Lewinsky. The sadistic pedophile employs slave labor children and midgets. Santa’s PR rep, Gary Colemon, responded to allegations with “What you talking bout Willis?” Santa’s reign of terror continues with the reindeer. Rudolph was exposed to radioactivity. Santa ignored the feelings of the other reindeer and replaced their names with trite nicknames such as Prancer and Snickerdoodle.

Through blackmail and threats, Santa forces the world to obey his bidding. Children of all cultures ignore earlier teachings of “don’t accept candy from strangers”. And to top it all off, Santa takes the cookies that are so delicious. You may say I’m bitter. You may say I’m jealous. But I see myself as a crusader against the evils of the red man; red like the bloodshed.